I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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