i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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