oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think your dad took our porno
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize