He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
