Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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