Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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