I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
