Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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