Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
