my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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