I cannot find my penis.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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