I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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