Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
