Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
