Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
