I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
