i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize