I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
