Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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