Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
