i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
