Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i now understand why vodka
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
