My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
