My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
