he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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