so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
