hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
bring money and cleavage
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
