dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
