apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
