This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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