I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
