I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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