Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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