Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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