the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
