I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
