There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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