An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
