i need an iv and a liver transplant
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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