did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My vagina is officially offended.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
