I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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