If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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