Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
