If that was your dad, he is hot
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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