yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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