My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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