Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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