Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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