he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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