just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
