He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
