and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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