im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
