He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities