True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops