I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
