Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
